Things My Kid Will Never Do (because I’m the world’s best parent)

Yes, yes, I was going to be the world's best parent. And then life happened.

Yes, yes, I was going to be the world’s best parent. And then life happened.

Pre-baby most of us had certain ideas of what sort of children we would raise. Mine were going to be impeccably mannered little human beings because I was going to be a super dooper parent who never did any of these atrocious things those other slack arse parents do.

You let your 4 month old chew on your mobile phone? Oh nooooo. I would never. And I didn’t. But he got his mits on it eventually and I’ve done a bunch of other things that I’m sure have caused many an observer to shake their head and tsk tsk at me under their breath.

Two years into this parenting gig and I now know that we all do what we can to get by. And some days that involves TV all day and toast for dinner as much as I don’t want that to be how it rolls at our place. Some days it just kinda does.

Here are a few of the things my kid would never do. Rules that are regularly broken at our place. Looking forward to smashing a few more out of the park as the years roll by…

Watch TV before 2 years old

I actually stuck this one out for 18 months. I didn’t have a TV always off rule but it was more a TV not on the kids channel rule. As a result he actually isn’t really that into TV (I’m assuming that’s the reason, this is no scientific study and it all could well be a coincidence).

Look, there’s research out there suggesting that TV (or any screen time in fact so that includes iPads and iPhones) is pretty bad for your kid’s brain before 2 years old. Just doing a quick google for this post I can see there is also some research that says it’s not harmful. There is also research that says it won’t turn your kid into a genius despite the uber marketing campaign by Baby Einstein. If he’s a genius then that’s pretty much biologically determined. Baby Einstein or no Baby Einstein it will work out OK for him. So, the jury is out on this whole thing it would seem.

In the end I introduced the TV as it’s actually physically impossible to prepare dinner with a toddler attached to your leg. It’s also really annoying so I had to do SOMETHING. He is getting into it a bit more now and has a few fav shows. We do lots of outside play as well so I’m good with that. Everything in moderation people, everything in moderation.

Eat biscuits directly out of he box…and especially not in public!

A friend of mine turned up somewhere with her 4 year old one day and he was eating biscuits straight out of the box. I judged. I did. My kid wouldΒ never be doing that: eating so many biscuits at once, as many as he liked. And they weren’t healthy ones. Oh my.

Oh god, someone please put a bullet in that pre-baby me.

The other day I did a whole grocery shop with a toddler who would NOT be put in the trolley thanks very much. He insisted on pushing his own little cart around for the whole time too. I actually managed rather well (ie didn’t lose it) but keeping him close by while lining up for the check-out was absolutely impossible. So I grabbed the box of naughty biscuits I was only buying because he found them at his level (thanks supermarket) and told him he could have them if he sat in the trolley. He complied so there he sat eating biscuits right out of the box. AS MANY AS HE LIKED.

I’m sure I was judged that day but I simply don’t care. My kid eats vegetables with pleasure so I’m not worried. Worse things could happen.

Have a bedtime bottle after his 1st birthday

OMG I was the bottle weaning nazi up until one. Every time the book said he lost a bottle he lost it – the exact one the book said too. Poor kid. I still remember he didn’t really want to let that 3pm one go. He used to have it after waking up from his sleep. He didn’t give a rats about the lunchtime one. I should have dropped that. But no, I was too busy following the rules. And my kid wasn’t going to have a bottle after 1 like a big baby blah blah. Then one rocked around and he seemed to enjoy it so much that I didn’t have the heart to take it off him. And now he is 2 and I STILL give him a bedtime bottle.

I’m starting to wonder if I shouldn’t have weaned him earlier as now he is super attached. Whoops. We just went away for a couple of nights though and I was mother of the year (AGAIN) and forgot to pack the bottle so it’s been milk in a cup at bedtime without too much issue. I’ve quickly stashed the bottles since arriving home to see if I can continue the pattern. Watch this space!

Throw a tantrum in public

Bahahahahahahahaha. How ludicrous. I am a major dick.

I don’t think this one requires any further discusson.

Have his own iPad before he can buy it himself

When my dad bought my 4 year old half brother an iPad for his birthday I was horrified. Judgy mcjudgey over here BIG TIME. Well, Monkey technically has his own iPad. To be fair, we didn’t buy it but we were discussing it. His dad has one and was letting him use it but we always had to worry about him drooling on it and going in and deleting all the emails and posting on Facebook to ex girlfriends. That sort of thing. Β  I was explaining this to one of my brother’s and he offered to give us his original iPad for Monkey to use. What a legend. So that’s what we’ve done. I still stash it and it’s not available 24/7. There are rules. But it’s a far less stressful arrangement.

I have also recently upgraded my phone and so my old smart phone is now a games phone for Monkey. Same rules as the iPad. So damn, my kid is teched up and he is only just 2.

Eat lollies

What can I say? Sometimes, I actually let him eat lollies. You know, at parties and stuff. And if I’m eating them and he spots me despite the fact that I’m trying to be sneaky. It happens. He isn’t dead, his teeth are lovely and we brush them regularly and he eats veges too. Somehow, I think we are going to be OK.

So that’s just a sample of what is going on in my little parenting house of horrors. What’s happening at your place? What things would your kid never do that they now get to do all the time? Spill!


25 thoughts on “Things My Kid Will Never Do (because I’m the world’s best parent)

  1. Ahhhh, so true!!! I have a list as long as my arm…. how naive I was before children. How innocent!! I don’t even know where to start. All of the above (ha ha!). DH had to carry DS2 out of the library on Saturday under his arm with DS2 screaming blue murder over and over – I swear people thought we were kidnapping him or something. Oh it was awful! I used to look at parents like that and think “pah. my kids will never behave that way! You must be terrible parents”. Yeah. Right.

  2. Love this! My gosh, my list goes on and on and on and is quite embarrassing really. It first started with TV like you…I was anti but I did the Baby Einstein on a strict schedule. Then it was only wood, non-toxic paint toys, I was anti anything plastic or electronic. I was no sugar, all organic foods. No video games. Strict timing on sleep and location (i.e. only in bed) Needless to say, all of these rules have gone out the window and thrown super far with 2nd child. SO funny! I really get a good laugh at myself quite often,..I was a lunatic.

  3. Oh I was most definitely like this as a first time mum! I had a list as long as my arm of all the things my kids were not going to do. I think I stuck to most of it when I only had one and I was probably as smug as they come, but as soon as I had Mm2 and Mm1 was barely two herself then the whole thing went out the window. Now we’ve got Mm3 I can’t even remember what I vowed they were never going to do! You try telling a 17 month old that she can’t have what her 6 yr old sister and 4 yr old brother have oooohhhhh nooooo not a good idea! They’re all still marginally ok(!) so I don’t think I’ve done any everlasting damage (crosses fingers behind back) πŸ™‚

    • Yeah and how do you stop a younger sibling watching tv if the older is allowed. Like you say, once siblings enter the picture the whole thing just becomes impossible!! Oh and don’t worry , my fingers are crossed too! Lol

  4. Well let’s see…my kids weren’t going to throw trantrums, eat candy, sleep in my bed, make noise in public, or pick their noses.

    It’s amazing what parenthood does to what we think we can control, isn’t it? πŸ˜‰

  5. My mom was a pretty loosey goosey parenter. You would have been appalled. Not many rules, but sincere expectations for us to do our best in all things as we got older. I have younger sisters a lot younger, so I got to watch her parent and learn so much! Like when my sister toted the potty chair all over the house. I thought nothing of it; my boyfriend (now husband) freaked out. Then laughed 15 years later when it was his kid toting it around the house. Having watched mom, I usually can reason with my illogical side well. Even with food, which you know I am now huge on, now that we have identified the intolerances in the kids–and none of them are really that health affecting with minor infringements–but I still won’t tolerate these infringements as a lifestyle, which without diligence they do become a lifestyle easily–I don’t fret about them. Kids are so much fun (even now that I’m nearly bald from pulling my hair out all the time.)

  6. I always said my kid would never have a dummy and NEVER sleep in my own bed.. ohh what’s that, she’s 9 months old and asleep in my bed with a dummy! opps! It’s one of those things that I still do not agree with but after a lonnng day, it just makes life easier! xx

  7. I had a good chuckle at this and can relate! Oh the things we say in our pre-parenting naivety! I think I even once said that I’d never ‘bribe’ my kids with sweets. HA!!!!

  8. Pingback: A Day In The Life – Monday | mummy flying solo

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