How many posts actually use the word diarrhea in their header and get read do you think? Can’t be that many. It’s hardly enticing. But it aptly explains where I feel this post is going to go. Nowhere. But I’m going to take awhile about getting there. It’s the scenic route.
Some of my more regular readers will probably have noticed that I haven’t been around so much lately. I have had so much on that I’m struggling to find the time to think straight, let alone write. This post from Rose, one of my favourite bloggers, really nails how I feel right now. Specifically she says:
Have you noticed how when things become overwhelming, and you just have too much to do, your productivity starts to fail?
Once I lose my position from being relatively on top of things, I slide down and down until I am doing practically nothing, sat in a messy house, the kids running crazy, paperwork mountain on my desk, kitchen a mess, a million things in my head, birthdays, gifts and cards fall by the wayside, everything just crumbles.
This is pretty much where I feel like I’m at right now. My anxiety has been terrible lately which is partly to do with me cutting back on my meditation and exercise. I had to stop the exercise as I got a terrible throat infection which I followed a week later with a cold. It feels never ending. The meditation I have no excuse for whatsoever. I just stopped. So there’s the opening for the bad stuff to creep back in. That makes me angry though. I feel angry that I have to have all these stupid ducks lined up in a pretty little row balancing precariously on their posts just for me to exist at a normal level. I feel dependent on these things and it is making me depressed.
So that’s where I’m at now. I’m depressed a little. Which is what happens when you have lots of anxiety. It’s the cycle. I’m fighting it and am nowhere near as bad as I could be but my natural inclination is to withdraw and do nothing. Or as little as possible. So I’m still slogging away at my course which must be finished by the end of the month and I’m still doing all the work that results in me either getting paid or potentially getting paid but I’m struggling to do the writing and the exercise and the meditation. The most cathartic things of all. The things I can’t leave out and expect to get everything else done.
Where to from here? Well things will improve. I know that. It’s the way these things work. Next week I’ll get the exercise happening again. The whole magpie thing hasn’t helped there actually. I’m getting anxiety when I run over fear of being swooped. It really is delightful. So something that is supposed to make me less anxious is actually making me more anxious. I can’t wait until the stupid season is over. Once my course is finished at the end of the month I plan on devoting a lot more time to this blog. So I’ll post more and make more of an effort to get involved in things again and read more of your delightful posts.
But for today, I’m struggling. So I’m just going to focus on making it through. I wanted to check in, say hi and reconnect a little. Hope life is treating you all well wherever you may be.
Have a cracker of a weekend. I’ll see you on the flip side you cute kids.