A bit of verbal diarrhea straight from the heart

Me just doing the LIFE thing.

Me just doing the LIFE thing.

How many posts actually use the word diarrhea in their header and get read do you think? Can’t be that many. It’s hardly enticing. But it aptly explains where I feel this post is going to go. Nowhere. But I’m going to take awhile about getting there. It’s the scenic route.

Some of my more regular readers will probably have noticed that I haven’t been around so much lately. I have had so much on that I’m struggling to find the time to think straight, let alone write. This post from Rose, one of my favourite bloggers, really nails how I feel right now. Specifically she says:

Have you noticed how when things become overwhelming, and you just have too much to do, your productivity starts to fail?

Once I lose my position from being relatively on top of things, I slide down and down until I am doing practically nothing, sat in a messy house, the kids running crazy, paperwork mountain on my desk, kitchen a mess, a million things in my head, birthdays, gifts and cards fall by the wayside, everything just crumbles.

This is pretty much where I feel like I’m at right now. My anxiety has been terrible lately which is partly to do with me cutting back on my meditation and exercise. I had to stop the exercise as I got a terrible throat infection which I followed a week later with a cold. It feels never ending. The meditation I have no excuse for whatsoever. Β I just stopped. Β So there’s the opening for the bad stuff to creep back in. That makes me angry though. I feel angry that I have to have all these stupid ducks lined up in a pretty little row balancing precariously on their posts just for me to exist at a normal level. I feel dependent on these things and it is making me depressed.

So that’s where I’m at now. I’m depressed a little. Which is what happens when you have lots of anxiety. It’s the cycle. I’m fighting it and am nowhere near as bad as I could be but my natural inclination is to withdraw and do nothing. Or as little as possible. So I’m still slogging away at my course which must be finished by the end of the month and I’m still doing all the work that results in me either getting paid or potentially getting paid but I’m struggling to do the writing and the exercise and the meditation. The most cathartic things of all. The things I can’t leave out and expect to get everything else done.

Where to from here? Well things will improve. I know that. It’s the way these things work. Next week I’ll get the exercise happening again. The whole magpie thing hasn’t helped there actually. I’m getting anxiety when I run over fear of being swooped. It really is delightful. So something that is supposed to make me less anxious is actually making me more anxious. I can’t wait until the stupid season is over. Once my course is finished at the end of the month I plan on devoting a lot more time to this blog. So I’ll post more and make more of an effort to get involved in things again and read more of your delightful posts.

But for today, I’m struggling. So I’m just going to focus on making it through. I wanted to check in, say hi and reconnect a little. Hope life is treating you all well wherever you may be.

Have a cracker of a weekend. I’ll see you on the flip side you cute kids.




33 thoughts on “A bit of verbal diarrhea straight from the heart

  1. You will be fine, Rach! Don’t worry too much about it and give yourself some slack instead of thinking you need to do ALL this hard work to feel fine again. Just breath, enjoy your day (!) and relax and things will start to look better straight away.

  2. *Hugs! Just relax, don’t worry too much about us, though we love hearing from you, we understand how life goes. We will just be here *wink wink.
    And did you know that I already downloaded a Yoga App uummmm 2 weeks ago? Which I haven’t looked at since. Hahaha I am getting there, slowly but surely. πŸ˜€
    Hope you’ll have a relaxing weekend πŸ™‚

  3. *MASSIVE HUG*. I’ve headed over here several times and wondered what you were up to as it was pretty quiet. Oh I know exactly how you feel – seriously I have been exactly there over and over and over again, and some days I wonder if I’ll still be trying to get my shit together when I’m 78, let alone 38…
    If you’ve got a course deadline and paid work beating at your door, everything else is bound to slip – but it is just temporary – you will bounce back when the deadlines fade away and you have some time to yourself again.
    I swear that personal time, without fear of what we *should* or *have* to be doing is the ultimate key to happiness – it’s the only real time that we get any sense of restoration of self in the craziness that is every day life. And if you’re working, working, working, then you’re not getting any of the time you need.
    I’ll still be waiting to read your blog even if it takes you a year to get around to posting anything else πŸ˜‰
    A commenter posted this link on the post you mentioned (thank you! I am honoured!) and I swear it actually made my whole day better:

    As for that damn magpie! I don’t think I’ve ever seen one do that here – but they are massive birds and I wouldn’t want to take one on. Jeez. It really stays with you doesn’t it? In March this year I had an altercation with a labrador on one of my runs. I ran past, minding my own business and the damn dog jumped at me and grabbed my arm! The owner was some doddery old man who had NO control over the dog – it was terrifying. I grew up with dogs and never feared them, but now I always, always give them a very wide birth when I’m running and I am super-paranoid about ANY dog being near my kids now. One incident like that affects everything!

    I hope the remainder of your course goes well – I’ll be looking forward to more posts when you’re done!

    • Ahhhh Rose! What would I do without you! Thank you for your awesome comment. That link is SO PERFECT!!! Thanks for sharing. I think I just get SO TIRED thinking I will be still trying to juggle all those ducks when I’m 78. Why can’t things be just a little bit easier eh?!

      That experience with the dog sounds so scary. You poor thing. That would freak me right out too. You are right about the personal time. Even this weekend when Monkey goes with his dad I have a little to-do list of what I *need* (want) to get done. Normally I’m so selfish with that 24 hours, I try to make them just for me, but feel like I just don’t have the time right now. But as you say, this too shall pass. THANK YOU xx

  4. Rachel, don’t be so hard on yourself. Doing what you are doing is HARD and i can’t imagine anyone, not even Wonder Woman, doing it without having the odd phase which can be defined as a bit belugh. It’s normal, natural and probably healthy. yes yes it’d be great not to have these episodes – all the paperwork would get sorted, there wouldn’t be crumbs down the sofa and you might even get to put eyeshadow on. But seriously?! when they do happen, other GOOD things are happening – your body is “recouping”. Less housework being done you say? means you are resting. Less blogging: means you are probably doing something else which your body needs. No meditation – maybe your mind just wanted a break.
    It will ALL be fine. Sometimes we DO need these days.
    A huge hug and i look fwd to reading you soon


  5. *hug*
    You look and sound tired. Hope things will look up, but meanwhile…what about a chocolate chip cookie?
    Will be here also in a year, so take your time and don’t let this pressure you as well^^

  6. There are so many wonderful, reassuring comments from your readers which says a lot about YOU. I don’t think I have much more to add other than I can relate to how you feel. I have had heavy shoulders lately and life has seemed too hard. Too many competing priorities, sick children, writers block and a few family issues thrown in to really destabilise things. I find that the best thing to do is…. not very much at all. Allow yourself to feel the feelings and don’t put pressure on yourself to ‘snap out of it’. Go at a slower pace for a while….life will still be here when you hit the treadmill again. xx

    • Ahhhh “heavy shoulders” is a great way to describe it. Thank you so much for you lovely comment. It’s nice to know others “get” it even though I’m sad that that means you also have to feel it. I hope things get easier for you soon too xx

  7. I was thinking about you yesterday and almost emailed but then thought maybe that would seem like pressure to blog more, so I didn’t πŸ™‚ Lo and behold, usually right as I am wondering where you went, you post. You read my mind! I know how you feel about feeling like ducks have to be in a neat little row to function normally. I feel the same way and its frustrating. I get nervous about small little nuances that should just be fun, but worry that the out of ordinariness will throw me off. Anyway, I know you will get back on track. Being sick throws a big kink into things and the general feeling of well-being. Its hard to breathe and meditate with a stuffy nose. πŸ™‚ Sometimes verbal diarrhea is the best medicine, so keep it coming if you need to. xoxo

    • Thank you Kerry πŸ™‚ You rock!!! It’s so nice that you thought to email. I appreciate you thinking of me. It’s nice to think I was missed!!! I’ve missed you all too! I’m getting back on my horse as we speak. Just saddling up πŸ˜‰ And those ducks. Dammit they make me tired. xxx

  8. I love that pic, I thought I was looking at myself! I have def had the same kind of week., depression swooping in and taking my life hostage. Plus, having a son that doesn’t understand that Mama wants to stay in pajamas all day and not get out of bed doesn’t help! Hope that your weekend is better than your week!

    • “depression swooping in and taking my life hostage” – brilliant piece of writing there Jacqueline!! That’s EXACTLY how I feel although you’ve put it oh so beautifully and much better than I did. I hope your weekend is better than your week too!

    • Thanks Tia πŸ™‚ Today is better than yesterday and that’s all we can really ask for right? Besides, my life is actually pretty good. I’m feeling a bit bad for moaning with my first world problems when real people have some real shit going on around here (like you for example). Thanks for still sending that support my way. πŸ™‚

  9. Here madam, I’ll tell you a joke to cheer you up.

    There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and gulps it all down.

    The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”

    “No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

    • Thanks Terri!! I’m feeling the love, that’s for sure. You guys are great!! I’ll have to get over to that blog of yours and see what I missed! Ahhhh rejuvenated and refreshed. Such a great set of words. I’m working on it!

  10. Rachel, I don’t know what’s going on in the air (the collective air, as it’s evidently impacting people in Australia, England, Canada, etc., etc.), but it seems like many of us have been struggling with anxiety & depression, combined with physical ailments in this last little while. While I don’t wish this on anyone, to an extent it is good to realize we’re not alone. Misery loves company. πŸ™‚

    Recognize that life is HARD! What you’re doing, as a single mom, is HARD! No one can keep their shit together all the time. And if they can, then that just means they’re some kind of cyborg freak, and not to be trusted.

    This WILL pass. You WILL be fine.

    I feel like we all need a group hug right about now. πŸ™‚

    Sending you positive energy from afar.

    xoxo nancy

    • You are right, it is nice to realise we are not alone. I, too, have seen lots of this going around especially now that I’ve mentioned it. It makes me believe that maybe there really is a collective conciousness or perhaps the alignment of the planets and moons and stars actually does mean something after all. You never really know but it seems to me that there is some sort of group effort going on that we don’t understand and that also gives things their own movement and vibration.

      You are right – no one can keep their shit together all the time. It’s stupid that we expect it of ourselves really. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this great message! I really appreciate. You ROCK!!! And I think we all need a group hug too!!! xxx

  11. I know I am a newbie around these parts but I’ve come to enjoy your verbal diahorrea and look forward to when the pendulum swings back your way so I can read more of it. I know the feeling you are talking about because I have been fighting it in a very mild way for the last week or two. I call it “losing my mojo”, for want of a better catch phrase. Good on you for pushing through it and getting this post out there.

    • Newbie schnewbie, your opinion still counts Zilla. And it is definitely a lost mojo feeling. Perfect way to describe it. Glad you are enjoying the VB. I’ll see what else I can pull from the depths of my soul in the coming weeks. I think the old mojo is making its way back.

  12. Big *hugs*! I totally understand the thing of balancing and lining up ducks, and what happens when one slips! I feel like I am either rockin’ life or I’m struggling! Why can’t there be a happy in between?! But anyway, hang in there. We’re all here for you!! ❀

  13. Ahh you poor thing. You sound so blue. I am sending you virtual hugs right now. Life can get you down. When there is so much going on and you’re so busy it can be hard to breathe. I know I should be meditating more and taking time out, but there’s just no time. I’m sending you lots of positive vibes. I really hope you start to feel better soon.
    Ps. I am terrified of magpies. Your fears are justified πŸ˜‰

    • Awwww thank you! I was really blue when I wrote that. I’m definitely feeling a lot better now. Managed to get through so much of my stuff that was weighing me down and feel soooo much better for it. And yes, those damn magpies are rotten aren’t they. Damn I can’t stand them!

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