I don’t want to live a double life

Living the life I choose

Living the life I choose

A couple of months ago I was invited to a party. It was a local party. I was invited by a girl I’d met only twice to the birthday of a girl I’d met only once. Well, when I say girl I mean female. But girl will do.

It was Monkey’s night with his dad so I was pretty happy to just stay in to be honest. I get 24 hours off per week where the time is just mine and I’m a little bit greedy with it. What I love to do is cook something a little bit fiddly that would normally be too longwinded to make while parenting (ok so sometimes I just order in pizza), catch up on shows/blogs/emails, sleep in, walk along the beach to the coffee shop and generally just hang out on my own. For awhile there I was dating quite a bit so would do a bit of that too but really, I’m totally ok with just hanging out on my own and relaxing.

Anyway that night I was feeling kind of social and decided that I should really go to this party as it was an opportunity to meet more local folk. I have a nice little group of friends up here now but mostly they are non single mummies so weekends for them are usually family time. Even if they are socialising it’s not very exciting to socialise with the single mum as then the daddy doesn’t really have anyone to talk to. This is one of my least favourite things about the single mum gig.

So I decided to go to the party.

And I discovered that I don’t belong so much with the “not settled down” crew either.

The party was mostly single folk in their 30s and 40s. A few other girls had kids but we were definitely in the minority. Mostly it was the free from responsibility except our job crowd. I have plenty of friends in that boat but they were my friends before I became a single mum so it is easy for us to adapt to my new lifestyle as I’m still me. It’s harder when you are meeting new people.

So I’m sitting at the party getting my chit chat on and I start to notice little groups going off giggling to the bathroom. Oh yes, snorting coke I suppose. Or something of the sort.

Then I noticed a couple of the girls start to look a little wasted and I thought oh yeah, definitely something going on here.

Now let me be clear: I don’t judge people that do the party drugs thing. I have had what can only be termed as more than my fair share. Only a couple of years before meeting Monkey’s dad I was living a very work hard, play hard existence. Drugs featured heavily in my social life and not just a little bit, a lot. They were the predominant feature of my social time.

I remember thinking that all my friends with kids lived the most boring life ever. Oh how dull I thought it was. Boooooring.

So I found it quite amusing at this party when I looked at all these wasted people and thought how dull and boring it would be to still be there. Oh how things change.

Some of these chicks were in their 40s and were so wasted that I had to ask a couple of times if they were feeling ok. They were fine, just in their heads and unable to speak. So when they would reply “yeah I’m great, are you sure you don’t want some” I can truthfully say that I couldn’t have thought of anything worse.

I have always been a never say never type of person. But I honestly can’t see a future where I’m will want to get wasted to that extent again.

At the more general level I have fear about something happening to me and not being there for my kid. But at the more practical level I cannot even imagine doing something like that and then having to parent within the next 48 hours. It’s hard enough to be a parent on a bad night’s sleep, let alone a parent on no sleep and a body withdrawing from chemicals. Not to mention how it completely fucks up my brain. I am working really hard at getting my body back in balance and anxiety free. Taking drugs would only damage all that hard work.

Interestingly I did not experience anxiety until after I stopped taking drugs regularly. I was always a big fan of the racey chatty ones that would make the night pass by in an instant and I think a big part of that was shutting my brain off. So clearly there was something going on in me already but the drugs didn’t help at all.

Anyway, I digress. This isn’t meant to be a post about drugs. It’s meant to be a post about the fact that I realised that as a single parent I’m almost required to live a double life if I want to participate in both lifestyles:

One life has dating and partying and single girl activities (and they don’t have to include drugs but more often than not they seem to these days). The other has mummyville.

And I love mummyville.

more values

Or just go to a party where everyone is wasted

So screw the partying single life. I’ll take the nights at home and the complicated dinners or the ordered in pizza with a couple of glasses of wine. And then if my mummy friends with daddies at home happen to be free then I can organise to see them. If not, I’ll just chill on my own.

Screw the double life. I’m keeping it simple.


39 thoughts on “I don’t want to live a double life

  1. Weirdly, in my experience multiple “lives” is actually the key to sanity and maintaining a well-integrated personality, but that’s just the kind of Prick I am. Dealing with a toddler hungover is a spectacular pain however.

    • Haha it is. I wasn’t suggesting I didn’t want a social life or drinking which I still do or time to myself where I’m not a mummy. I just want them as extensions of who I am and now that includes as a mother. I just don’t want THAT life. That single person full on party life is boring.

      • Yes of course – I just meant that I like having different intersecting arenas I play in (and to a certain extent, without sounding totally insane, personas that go with them).

    • Yeah it wasn’t until I went to that party that i realised how much I had a foot in both camps still and I really hated it. I thought I was done with that crap!! So it was a bit of an epiphany I guess!

  2. It is amazing how we grow and change and how wonderful when we have these revelations that we can hold onto when one day we are looking back longingly again… slap ourselves back into reality!!


  3. Nothing like a taste of your old life to make you realise just how much you love the new one. We all need a reminder like that now and again! Well done, and I’m glad you didn’t miss it. Mummying might be boring to some, but it’s still awesome 🙂

  4. Ach, I would be lying if I said I dodnt miss all of the above…but maybe all I need is to actually go out and I will be cured. I’ve done way too little dancing in the last 8 years and I miss is badly. Nothing like getting dressed up and going out for a good dance with your friends, forget the drugs and hangovers…but dancing….!

  5. I have a feeling that my past resembles your past. I can’t say that I necessarily regret it, but that past has absolutely no place in my present. When I look at people my age who still do those things, it looks undignified. And parenting is exhausting even when you HAVE had a good night’s sleep!

    I’ll take the simple life too! Standing in the kitchen with a glass of wine and trying out a new recipe is all the excitement I need.

    • So true, it does look undignified and oh so sad. When I see 40 year olds still doing that crap my immediate thought is LOSER (cause I’m a judger like that it would appear lol).

  6. Agreed! My husband and I are WAY past the wild partying days of our youth (admittedly, mine where MUCH more wild than his). We have friends that have kids who still partake in some seriously dumb shit that we cannot understand. I’m not above a bottle of wine, however. That and gin will be my forever friends 😉

  7. I think you are smart to put your own body and your need to be fit for your child ahead of temporary pleasure, which is gone quick. Drugs and parenting don’t mix. You are such a good mummy. Well done! (Although caffeine and alcohol are exceptions. :-))

  8. Don’t axe me, but I managed to be studying while all of that was going on. Whew! Your description made me oh, so more than happy about that. I love being a mom, and nothing is worth sacrificing the admiration in my children’s eyes. Thanks for sharing that!

  9. Pingback: Shout out to single mums | So many right ways

  10. I’m yet to really re-enter the world as a singleton (with kiddies) so I’m not sure exactly what it will be like yet. I plan to find out very soon though as I’m getting a bit tired of absolutely no adult social life 🙂

  11. I am new here and have not tried AT ALL to make local friends. I don’t do religion either so were REALLY isolated. I understand the thing about not relating to people. My advise to you is figure out what your into (Which I’m sure you know already) And find a group gathering or meeting on the subject. I was thinking about going to some lectures here in town. I really like that kind of stuff. GOOD LUCK Great article!

  12. I can so relate with that. I can’t remember the last time I took time off for partying. Most times, I catch up with friends for coffee but the last couple of weekends, it’s been a lil’ boring. I feel caught between two worlds BUT only in my head. As a single mum, sometimes you tend to take the person in ‘you’ for granted. I haven’t even read a book in a while. I would just love to take time off sometimes and wander aimlessly. Now, the only catch with that is that I will only be able to do that for, maybe an hour or so and then I will start missing kiddo and think “aah she wud have loved this” or “wish mum was there too, both of them wud have enjoyed this”. So, yeah, it’s kinda weird. Actually, I am in a weirdsy mood. :p

    • Yeah it is def weird. I can so relate to what your are saying. I was stoked to do them groceries alone them other day, just wander around them supermarket at a relaxed pace, but in the end I just missed having monkey in them trolley with me as he loves doing groceries so much!

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