I don’t know what the hell was going on but almost as soon as I pushed publish on last week’s gushy post things seemed to come undone a little. All of a sudden I was finding it so. hard. to meditate each day. Like walking through waist high mud hard. At the risk of repeating myself, it really sucked. I lost my temper with Monkey one morning when he didn’t deserve it. It was awful. I felt so guilty. He didn’t really understand what was going on either. He was just looking at me all upset with a sad confused look on his face. I felt awful. It was the low point.
I’m not really sure what happened but I seemed to be getting a bit of a funk back, that sort of depression type feeling. I haven’t had that for so long; since I started on the supplements from the Naturopath to be honest (I really have found them to be THAT successful). Trouble is I also find them to be THAT expensive so I had started trying to back off from them a bit. I cut one thing out entirely 2 or so weeks ago and hadn’t given it another thought but after losing it with Monkey I chatted to X-man about it and he suggested maybe that was it. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of it myself. So now I’ve reintroduced it but only a half dose and things seem to have improved already (placebo??).
The thing that concerns me about all this is that I seem quite dependent on the supplements and I feel like that isn’t helpful as it is only masking whatever else it is that is going on. I am also a little frustrated as I thought I was making more progress than that. Now I feel like maybe the meditation hasn’t been as effective as I thought it was. Actually, that’s not true. I’ve definitely been a calmer parent.
So almost all week I’ve only done the bare minimum of 10 mins meditation. Most days I tried to talk myself out of it and if I wasn’t doing this challenge I don’t know that I would have followed through and done it. I’ve felt resentful that I am even doing the challenge as I feel forced to meditate and that has really sucked. By Friday things had improved and I did manage to do a slightly longer session AND enjoy it so all was not lost. It has really given me pause to think about what I might do when the 30 days is up.
Will I continue?
Will I feel differently as there won’t be the pressure of the challenge?
Will I do another (different) challenge as I was considering?
I’m not sure. I’m going to wait and see what the week brings.
Oh and this post actually covers 9 days this time. As it is a 30 day challenge there was either going to have to be one week that was 9 days or an entry covering only 2 days so I did it this way.
On a brighter note, when I took Monkey to the park yesterday look what I found on the ground near the swings. Seeing it made my day.