The truth about making babies

Pic credit: myfertilitychoices.com

Pic credit: myfertilitychoices.com

Baby-dance: (verb) sex when fertile with the intention of getting knocked up

Yup. That’s what they call it. The baby-dance. I’ll bet you my $4 coffee money that if you are not yet a parent then you were living in ignorant bliss about this nice little phrase. Not anymore. Now you know and I bet you are all grossed out.

Well, you just wait as I’m not even close to done yet!

A couple of weeks ago “a friend” (it’s always a friend I know, but seriously, it IS) told me one of her baby-dance stories and it was sooooo amusing I begged her to let me share it with you.

For all you baby dance virgins out there let me assure you, this is pretty typical of sex according to the ovulation stick,

Click on me if you need help in this department

Click on me if you need help in this department http://www.babble.com

especially if you have been trying for awhile. Goodbye spontaneity, hello pressure.

Here’s the story: 

********

Chick in Heat and Stud are relaxing on the lounge after dinner. Chick has tested and knows she is ovulating that day. She has already passed this info onto Stud.

Chick: So are we going to go have sex or what? I’m so tired and I don’t feel well. We have to do it soon or I’m going to fall asleep.

Stud: <chuckles> Yes ok better get it over with then.

They move into the bedroom.

Chick: Do I have to take my top off?

Stud: Yes I’d rather you did.

Chick: Oh, ok. Are you sure?

Stud: Yes. Just do it ok.

Chick: Fine.

So they get going and it’s all elbows and legs everywhere.

La de da dee da.

Ahem, just talk amongst yourselves.

After about 10 mins and what was apparently a mighty fine time for Chick, this happens.

Stud: I just don’t think I can finish. There’s too much pressure.

Chick: What? But you have to. We can’t get pregnant if you don’t.

Stud: Yes I realise that.

Pause.

Stud: I don’t think you should even tell me when you are ovulating anymore. It’s just stupid. I don’t need to know.

Chick: Yeah whatever, I didn’t even feel like having sex anyway. We had sex the other day. That might be enough. Let’s just leave it. I’m too tired. And I feel sick remember. Sick.

Stud: Look why don’t I leave you to have a nap for half an hour or so while I watch TV and then I’ll come back in and we can try again. <gives her a kiss>

Chick: Ok fine.

Almost an hour later…Stud wakes up Chick but it doesn’t go well. She is grumpy.

Stud: Come on, wake up. Let’s try again.

Chick: Oh go away will you. I feel SICK!

Stud: It won’t take long. Let’s just try again. We don’t want to lose the opportunity. We’ll never have a baby if we put it off because it’s inconvenient.

Chick: But I’m sick.

Pause.

Chick: Ok fine. Can I just lie here with my eyes closed?

Stud: <chuckles> Oh come on.

More legs and elbows but in a really bad way. It’s the sort of sex you never want to have. Nothing clicks. It’s like beginner sex. They could be teenagers. Then all of a sudden…

Stud: Did you shower today? I think you smell a bit BOey.

Chick: What? Are you serious?

Stud: Yeah, I don’t know. <sniffs>

Chick: You’re sniffing me? Oh god, just get off. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. You always stink by the way. Look just leave it. We’ll try next month. I won’t tell you. It’s fine. Just get away. I want to sleep.

***************

Apparently they did try one more time and it was much better than this but there was no baby that month. Boo.

I know that all the childless people out there reading this are doing that thing where they laugh but secretly think that this won’t be them. Their baby dancing will always be lustful and racy and full of breathlessness and orgasms.

Lustful and racy you think?

Lustful and racy you think?

Same way as their kids will always do as they are told and will never be noisy or pull hair.

And that’s fine. Good for you. I high-five your optimism.

Enjoy that perfect moment while you can.

Advertisements

40 thoughts on “The truth about making babies

  1. I went on a Contiki tour through Europe a lifetime ago and in Amsterdam we went to a sex show – as you do. When I think about it now, that sex show was a lot like baby making sex, no spontaneity just going through the motions in a tedious and well rehearsed fashion.

  2. ROFL!! I love that story. Made me laugh out loud (which is rare)!
    It’s thankfully never like that for us because when I am ovulating I am horny with a capital H (bet you wanted to know that!) but I don’t always tell dh I am fertile. I just show my interest and that’s enough to get him in the mood. I can totally understand the feeling of pressure felt by the guy to “deliver the goods”. 😉
    Now, just to actually get preggo! Darn these breastfeeding hormones! Ugh

  3. I HATE TTC sex! I wrote a post on TTC sex myself a while back. My goal in life is to have a surprise BFP but I know that will never happen. When I was younger I thought if I had unprotected sex once I would get pregnant, how wrong was I??? LOL I will admit, I can find it better when I think we might be making a baby, but once science gets all involved its really not that much fun anymore. Really they have it easy, but its all perspective and we all feel the same way. Good luck to them.

    • Yeah I think the first few times we tried for monkey if felt all nice and lovey as we were trying to make a baby but after that the reality of “oh we have to do it again now” set in. I’ll have to go looking for your post.

  4. This killed me. When we were dancing for our first, I seriously asked sometimes if I could leave the tv on. We just tried for sooo long that it wasn’t even sexy anymore unless we were drunk.
    Thank God the second one happened in the first month of trying, or we’d probably be divorced instead, lol.

    • LOL drinking definitely helps. I have a friend who stops drinking as soon as she starts trying and I’m all “but how do you enjoy the mechanical sex without wine????”

  5. Two years of ttc. And yes. This happened a lot. It’s even sexier when you really are in the mood but doing an IUI and are under orders not to. Ah, the life.

  6. Pingback: Quick – Chapter 6 | Black Rose

  7. It’s 6am and I can’t sleep and I’ve had to read this Posy again. It is That good 🙂
    We have not started trying yet but this is what i would like to avoid.

  8. Oh God this brings back memories! Before starting ovulating testing we were like “OK well we last did it two days ago, we should probably try again”. We’d get down to business, both pretend we were having a great time, then get on with our day. TTC sex became sooooo frustrating!

  9. Great read, I have a “friend” who was like this, they couldn’t try for a baby without first doing a chart. As I explained to my wife there is a tried and tested method for baby-making that served humanity for centuries.

    Insert Peg A into Slot B, repeat as necessary.

    Unless we are going to correlate the population boom over the last few decades to spreadsheets.

  10. I think this was quite funny too – “”Insert Peg A into Slot B, repeat as necessary.

    Unless we are going to correlate the population boom over the last few decades to spreadsheets.” HAHAHAHHAA

  11. Pingback: The Best Moment Award: My First Ever Nomination for Anything! | Cupcake n Sunshine

  12. LOL yes. But even this is sexier than being on the table while a nurse pokes an ultrasound into your full bladder and a random doctor gets all up in your business with an embryo transfer catheter!

Leave me a comment! The empty box is feeling so lonely.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s