Baby-dance: (verb) sex when fertile with the intention of getting knocked up
Yup. That’s what they call it. The baby-dance. I’ll bet you my $4 coffee money that if you are not yet a parent then you were living in ignorant bliss about this nice little phrase. Not anymore. Now you know and I bet you are all grossed out.
Well, you just wait as I’m not even close to done yet!
A couple of weeks ago “a friend” (it’s always a friend I know, but seriously, it IS) told me one of her baby-dance stories and it was sooooo amusing I begged her to let me share it with you.
For all you baby dance virgins out there let me assure you, this is pretty typical of sex according to the ovulation stick,
especially if you have been trying for awhile. Goodbye spontaneity, hello pressure.
Here’s the story:
Chick in Heat and Stud are relaxing on the lounge after dinner. Chick has tested and knows she is ovulating that day. She has already passed this info onto Stud.
Chick: So are we going to go have sex or what? I’m so tired and I don’t feel well. We have to do it soon or I’m going to fall asleep.
Stud: <chuckles> Yes ok better get it over with then.
They move into the bedroom.
Chick: Do I have to take my top off?
Stud: Yes I’d rather you did.
Chick: Oh, ok. Are you sure?
Stud: Yes. Just do it ok.
So they get going and it’s all elbows and legs everywhere.
La de da dee da.
Ahem, just talk amongst yourselves.
After about 10 mins and what was apparently a mighty fine time for Chick, this happens.
Stud: I just don’t think I can finish. There’s too much pressure.
Chick: What? But you have to. We can’t get pregnant if you don’t.
Stud: Yes I realise that.
Stud: I don’t think you should even tell me when you are ovulating anymore. It’s just stupid. I don’t need to know.
Chick: Yeah whatever, I didn’t even feel like having sex anyway. We had sex the other day. That might be enough. Let’s just leave it. I’m too tired. And I feel sick remember. Sick.
Stud: Look why don’t I leave you to have a nap for half an hour or so while I watch TV and then I’ll come back in and we can try again. <gives her a kiss>
Chick: Ok fine.
Almost an hour later…Stud wakes up Chick but it doesn’t go well. She is grumpy.
Stud: Come on, wake up. Let’s try again.
Chick: Oh go away will you. I feel SICK!
Stud: It won’t take long. Let’s just try again. We don’t want to lose the opportunity. We’ll never have a baby if we put it off because it’s inconvenient.
Chick: But I’m sick.
Chick: Ok fine. Can I just lie here with my eyes closed?
Stud: <chuckles> Oh come on.
More legs and elbows but in a really bad way. It’s the sort of sex you never want to have. Nothing clicks. It’s like beginner sex. They could be teenagers. Then all of a sudden…
Stud: Did you shower today? I think you smell a bit BOey.
Chick: What? Are you serious?
Stud: Yeah, I don’t know. <sniffs>
Chick: You’re sniffing me? Oh god, just get off. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. You always stink by the way. Look just leave it. We’ll try next month. I won’t tell you. It’s fine. Just get away. I want to sleep.
Apparently they did try one more time and it was much better than this but there was no baby that month. Boo.
I know that all the childless people out there reading this are doing that thing where they laugh but secretly think that this won’t be them. Their baby dancing will always be lustful and racy and full of breathlessness and orgasms.
Same way as their kids will always do as they are told and will never be noisy or pull hair.
And that’s fine. Good for you. I high-five your optimism.
Enjoy that perfect moment while you can.
- Figuring Out Ovulation (everydayhealth.com)