Conversations with my toddler

damn straight

damn straight

Life in our household is in a constant state of negotiation at the moment. It is driving me crazy Miss Daisy. Absolutely batshit crazy.

I love nothing more than the sound of my own voice so luckily, I seem to have many opportunities to use it. Oh and speaking of speaking, I love saying the same thing over and over and over too. That is so much fun! The bomb.

People say they get bored with staying home with babies as it’s all goo goo gaa gaa and no real conversation. Man that stuff is CUTE! Be grateful they can’t talk back and mostly seem to like you.  I’d take that any day over the need to offer repeated enticements to carry out the most basic of tasks.

Let me show you what I mean.  


Monkey: Poopy

Me: You’ve done a poopy?  (checks) Ok honey let’s go to your room and get that yukky poopy off your bottom. 

(Call me crazy but if I am being told about a poop , then I’m assuming it’s because the pooper would like it removed from their behind thanks very much. Apparently not)

Monkey: <firm tone> No!

Me: Come on. We’ll do it really quickly. <starts walking into bedroom>

<Monkey hops on bike and takes off down the hall>

Me: Come on sweetheart. Your bottom will be sore if you don’t get the poopy changed.

<Finally follows me into bedroom. I go to grab him and he runs away and hides behind the curtain>

Me: Okay I’m going to count to 3 and then it’s time to get on the change table. Ready?

Monkey: Yes

Me: 1….<singsong voice> ok when we reach 3 you need to get your nappy changed…2……………..3! Ok time to get the nappy changed. 

<go to pick him up and there is yelling, screaming and flailing. I am smacked in the face and get my hair pulled>

Me: Ok that’s a time out for pulling Mummy’s hair

Monkey: <crying> Sorry Mummy

<1 min passes>

Me: Ok that’s the time out finished. Now you need to lie down and have your nappy changed please.

<lays on change table and complies to a degree. It’s enough that I can change the nappy >

Me: <super enthusiastic tone> What a good boy you are lying still for your nappy change. Thank you so much Monkey! 

(don’t get me started on how I feel about having to congratulate my child for doing as he is told but I do it because “they” tell me it is the best way to improve behaviour…sure ok)


You get the picture?  I have more. So many more. Here’s one for you since you asked and all.

Getting dressed.

Well that’s awesome too.  Really really fun. I’m so glad we only have to do it once per day (doesn’t tend to be so bad after the bath).

I won’t hold you down and make you read it all the way through but it looks a lot like that exchange except I’m usually using the day’s event as my negotiation tool. So every time he resists I say “Who are we going to see today?” to which he replies excitedly “Oli!” (of whoever it may be) and I say something like “Well you can’t go and visit Oli until you get dressed. Ok?”. And he says “Ok” and I manage to get one more piece of clothing on a wriggly body.

It seems to be that this is how we have to approach everything: getting into the car; getting out of the car; the fact that I don’t have snack in the car after daycare (we live a 2 min drive down the road); getting in the shower/bath.

Is anyone else finding this as tedious as I am? Freaking hell. It’s tedious when I go through it and it’s tedious when I type it out so surely it is tedious for you to read it.


I’m overqualified for this job.

I”ve been thinking. Post children I might look at a career as a crime scene negotiator. You know the job. Where you have to entice the crazy person out of the house without killing anybody. I will nail it. I’m certain of it. Biscuits solve a lot of problems you know. And I bake ’em good.


26 thoughts on “Conversations with my toddler

  1. Most parents are probably overqualified to be a united nations peace negotiator too – but if someone told you all about this before you had kids – would you believe them?! Be heartened – it is the same – but it gets different as they get older. 1-2-3 Magic stops working and the price of bribes goes up. corruption starts early. And just when you think you can get your car washed and wiped dry with interior windows wiped down with spray on window cleaner (and maybe the dashboard too) for $15, the old lady across the back lane offers Miss-nearly-11 $20 and the bar is immutably raised.
    PS I’m just down the road at Bruns if you need a sanity-coffee break!

  2. Don’t let it fool you. Terrible twos doesn’t mean they stop being terrible when they’re three, or four or five or … It just means you can call his behaviour terrible without being hauled over to Child Welfare Agency! 🙂

  3. Little Chop is 17months and already going through the terrible twos! Both scenarios you described happen daily in our house too and my patience wears pretty thin by the evening. Deep breaths!

    • Ah I know. I asked my friend who has a 3.5 year old when it stops and she said “oh he’s still doing it”. That just freaked me out so I’m not going to ask anymore! lol

  4. Oh it is so endless!! Sometimes I feel like my entire conversation repertoire is made up of a dozen key sentences that I just repeat over and over and over and over and over…

  5. As much as I feel for you while I read this, I’m glad to know someone out there has the same troubles I do. Why do toddlers want to keep their shit in their pants, anyway??

    • Yeah talk about repetitive! 1,2,3 seems to be working ok for now. I can also say that’s time out and he stops so I can do what I need to do (that one’s new!). Little monkeys they are!!!

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